Erica Komisar

Psychoanalyst, parent coach.

Erica Komisar is a leading voice in the increasingly popular field of parental guidance. With over 40 years experience, she specializes in helping individuals navigate depression, anxiety, and compulsive behaviors, and is renowned for her expertise in child psychoanalysis.

Why did we invite her on?

Erica rose to public prominence in 2017 with the release of her should-not-be-but-is-in-fact-controversial book Being There: Why Prioritizing Motherhood In The First Three Years Matters. In it, she advocated mothers putting presence in their child’s lives first - take the financial hits now, and ensure the emotional, often invisible, needs of your children are met.

As inarguable as it sounds, her position has made her as divisive as she is revered. But rather than hearing her position through the filter of disgruntled opponents, we wanted to hear what she had to say directly from the source.

What did we talk about?

Previously, we’ve welcomed several experts on our show to discuss the thorny subject of adolescent mental health. Elsewhere, we’ve hosted conversations about the danger of declining birth rates and the reluctance of millennials and Gen-Z to enter parenthood.

But never before have we had a conversation that bridges those trends, and finds the core societal failings that are disrupting the most fundamental of human behaviours.

To Erica, much of the disturbance is endured by the mothers. Young women face an increasingly exhaustive list of demands - have a lucrative career, be an attentive mother, etc. - and if you can’t spin all the plates, you’re a failure. All rewarding paths are at first daunting, and if you’re expecting to explore all of them, it’s no wonder they feel paralysed.

”Post-partum has risen drastically - it’s as high as 30% of pregnancies now. From the moment, women get pregnant, they feel a terrific amount of conflict. They are always preoccupied with when they are going back to work. It’s very hard for them to relax, to feel valuable, and like their time is valuable. And we’ve done that to them - we’ve created this conflict.”

Young women are told to have it all and sacrifice nothing, but such a lifestyle is unsustainable. If you go back to work, are you neglecting your children? If you stay at home, are you just a ‘sellout?’ With these demands at constant odds, how can they

The conflict has led many mothers to return to work early and send their young children to daycare. It sounds like a solution, but as Erica explains, this has its own host of problems.

”Separating mothers from babies in those early years causes too much stress, and that leads to ADHD, anxiety, depression, and aggression.”

As the central activity of human - even animal - life, it’s hard to believe it was always this complicated. Parenthood has never been easy, but have there always been this many questions? When did this happen? Why?