For decades, James Sexton has been one of the most sought-after and recognised figures in the field of marriage law. More recently, he has become a regular guest on the podcast circuit, being interviewed by everyone from Lex Fridman, Andrew Huberman, Steven Bartlett, to even Soft White Underbelly. From 2019 to 2021, he had a recurring segment on The Steve Harvey Show called “How To Stay In Love”. Today, he continues to manage his own practice - Law Offices of James J. Sexton, PC - which he opened in 2001.
His latest book How To Stay In Love (or, in the UK, How To Not F*ck Up Your Marriage) is available now.
Why did we invite him on?
Divorce is almost chic nowadays. Social media inundates us with anti-marriage propaganda, calling upon strangers to ‘leave their man’ or ‘dump her and go it alone’ over the most minor infraction. The grifters who pedal it seem to overlook what a miserable process it is.
We are less interested in the process of divorce itself than we are curious about the circumstances that lead to it. What are the early warning signs? How can it be avoided?
As someone who has helped countless people through it, we knew James would be the man to ask. What we didn’t know was that it would prove to be one of the best interviews we’ve ever done.
What did we learn?
”Being the most famous divorce lawyer is like being the most good-looking leper … But if you want to know what’s wrong with your car, you don’t go to the dealership - you see a mechanic. They know when systems start to fail. If you want to know how to maintain happiness in a marriage, you talk to someone who’s seen the end of it. I’ve seen all the permutations of people losing something they never meant to lose.”
Not just an expert in the field, James is also an unprecedented character: a celebrity divorce lawyer. It could only happen if people were interested in it. So what happened? Are people more interested in divorce now than they used to be? Why?
James has a theory…
”We live in a very performative time. But divorce is different; you can’t pretend you meant to do it. Everybody goes in with the same expectation - staying together until death.”
Heartbreak is captivating. Love is perhaps the most powerful and pervasive of human emotions, and divorce is, as James calls it, ‘intimacy weaponised’. But it’s just compelling - it’s common. More common than even the most pessimistic statistics convey.
”About 50% of marriages end in divorce. And that’s just the number that end catastrophically. How many ‘end’ without getting divorced? Staying together when you no longer love each other, for religious reasons, or for the kids, or because you don’t want to lose half of your stuff.”
It’s an unnerving thing to prospect on. Romantic unhappiness is a fact of life, but for so many to stay there when they have the option to leave is puzzling. Understandable, but irrational.
Regarding the people for whom circumstances have become so catastrophic that they walk into James’ office, what are the leading factors? What are the final straws?
”Infidelity would be #1. I think that’s the symptom rather than the illness; two people who are deeply connected don’t have a proclivity for it. But it’s present in 75%-80% of cases we encounter as divorce lawyers.”
Over his decades of practice, James has come to recognise several key patterns. One of them is the wildly different ways in which men and women respond to revelations of romantic betrayal.
”Men and women ask different questions. When they find out their partner has been unfaithful, the man will ask: ‘Did you sleep with him?’, and the woman asks: ‘Did you love her?’ I think that says something about how we interpret love.”
Common belief might be that men are less faithful than women, but James argues that’s not true. Well, it is true, but it’s not the whole truth.
”Men cheat more, but women cheat better. They cheat bigger. They find the soft landing. If a man cheats on his wife, he’s a disgusting piece of garbage who couldn’t keep it in his pants. If a woman cheats on her husband, she’s the hero of that story.”
Another key pressure is the financial. Money troubles are difficult for everyone, but when partnered with deception and lies? They’re poison to relationships.
”I’ve seen cases where a woman with a ‘spending habit’ has come to your husband and revealed that she has several hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt, and he - as the breadwinner - is now responsible for that. It’s the betrayal of it.”
These are all constants. Ancient problems that are as old as marriage - or even romance - itself. Today, we face a whole new host of troubles. Ones that are intrinsically linked to modernity and the frontier of tech we find ourselves in. First and foremost…
”Social media. It’s the greatest amplifier in the world, and the best help to matrimonial law that we never needed. Online, you’re watching everyone’s greatest hits while living your ‘gag reel’. You’re comparing your relationship with its quirks and chaos to the best moments of others. Of course you’re going to be dissatisfied.”
Thesey days, young people seem averse to the very idea of marriage. The stats are, James concedes, troubling. One that is often cited, particularly in fringe online spaces, is that 78% of divorces are initiated by the wife. Is that true? If it is, why?
”That statistic has been weaponised. People like to create the impression that women just get married and stay in it until the guy has enough money and then cash out. If that was what was happening, I’d be the first to say it; I’m often accused of misogyny for reporting the differences between men and women … But that’s not it.”
So, what is it?
